Facebook love story (part 3)

[...]Luckily, we didn't live far away from each other. We decided that she would come to see me. I don’t know about her, but I made all the preparations as if I was celebrating 10 years of a real relationship, imagining I knew her so well I could have asked her to marry me on the spot.

Everything was in place: at a quarter to 7 in the evening I was seated in a nice pub,  waiting for her to come: flowers were in place as well as emotions. And she arrived. It was exactly as I’ve imagined, only… my mind went blank. I barely got up and offered her the flowers I’ve brought and I went numb. There I stood in front of the woman of my late dreams and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I felt drained. I felt empty. I felt like a squashed lemon. It seemed that all that was important had already consumed, that we’re only witnessing the end of the first act of our relationship. The first act of a play which hadn’t started yet. It appeared to me that, somehow, the real life started to lack flavour. What the hell was wrong with me? I had to pull myself together.  There she was, right in front of me: my girl, my toy, my fantasy, my reason to spend entire nights at my computer, the reason to live.

 “Hi, A.!”

“Ummm, hi.

 “Get your shit together, man”, I told myself, “become the fearless A., the tender yet strong A., the polite yet inflexible A., the A. she admires, she wants, she'd missed, right here, right now!”

“Is there anything wrong?” she asked as she looked around.

“No, it’s all fine…ummm, nothing; welcome, please sit with me.” I took her coat, held her chair and then sat right in front of her and looked her in the eye.

“Finally”  - I said, “we meet in the flesh; you look a lot prettier than in all those pictures I’ve seen – there’s a strange electricity in your look.”

‘Giggles’ – “A, you are the charmer I always knew you’d be: delightful from the very first sight”.

The rest of is lost for me, actually it’s a blur I’ve lived so many times: compliments, charming and witty words to her pleasure, stories about our lives, sweet little nothings: all echoing May, May, May, May. All this perceived as foreplay. I didn’t even have to ask her to come to my place. We just found ourselves naked in my bed. We did it twice. The first time hastily, without any attention to details, it was a raw fuck, animals possessing each other on the brink of all that’s left of civilization, two intense flames devouring each other into becoming one. Then we had to rest for while. The second time, we've simply let our bodies discover each other: the scents, the touches, the hair, the thrill.    

Facebook love story (part 2)

[…]We've decided we could take it to the next level. We celebrated this by having virtual sex. All of a sudden, we’ve become a committed couple. It was nice, but I couldn’t help myself wondering what was the difference between jerking off to a Hustler magazine and jerking off to a 17’ flat screen: this time feelings were involved, while the Hustler magazine comes for a price, while for the Internet connection I paid an monthly subscription. Now, it was wanking with a purpose, hahaha.

Actually, virtual relationships come at a heavier price, this I’d found out later and none the happier. All went well for a few months. We used to spend two to six hours online talking, sharing pictures, playing games, even watching movies. We shared cooking recipes and advice regarding the best detergents. We had fun and we’d cheer up one another whenever we were upset. 
Eventually, we decided to meet in the flesh.[...]

Facebook love story (part 3)
Facebook love story (part 1)

Facebook love story (part 1)

For days, then weeks, we've exchanged messages and images and we've shared our most intimate thoughts. Her name was May. 

I felt, we both felt something was growing there, I couldn't tell exactly what, but there was definitely something.  We were getting close, so close. Despite all this, I didn't realize I didn't know whether that was her real name or where she really lived. I could go on just knowing that we had something going on. Practically, I was establishing a relationship with a name attached to an image. This was actually the core of any attempted relationship: we always idealize the one towards whom we develop feelings. We tend to look over any flaws and faults, just to bring that person closer to our ideal, the ideal us projected outside of us, that which we long to identify ourselves with. It must be somehow a part of the Janus complex still residing in so many of us.

I started to fantasize about our first meeting, then about our second and the third. I imagined entire conversations, I made plans. I used to jerk off imagining that we had sex. This went on hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, so after ten month or so I suddenly came to realize that I started to come back to a machine – a machine that delivered a message – after all, when the machine was broken, so was my heart. Weird. 

I so much depended on a messaging software (my computer or my smartphone) to create some sort of illusory happiness, that I often confused the message with the messenger. After all, on the other side of my broadband line could have been a bot, for all I cared. It was all in the illusion I so happily lived, I completely consumed it and it has consumed myself for all this time.

After a few months of virtual relationship, my brain was so cooked, that I imagined I had a real relationship, although all I did was I chatted online and left online messages, exchanged pictures and short home movies. I manifested all the symptoms of a guy who was really in love. The only thing was, I couldn't answer a simple question, should anyone had asked: can we meet your girlfriend? Well yes, I could share some images, but there was nothing to prove our relationship other than infinite logs and instant messaging archives. I started to grow impatient.

Facebook love story (part 2)