How to control employees in 10 easy steps

Freedom in the cubicle

Manipulation 101: How to control employees in 10 steps

There are many scientific methods the HR and management can rely on in order to keep the employees happy. However, we'll go over some unorthodox and cost effective ideas.

Here are a few thoughts about how to control employees at work, while giving them the impression that they are in control and somehow happy with their shitty job.

One approach to fix this would be to offer the employee the illusion of freedom, and it's quite the easy fix.

1. Fake interest in your employees: socialize on a low scale. Do not look smug. Chat with them over drinks after office hours. Try to socialize, even though they're dumb and boring. 

2. Pretend they are invaluable: ask their opinion regarding office related activity: projects, timetables, meetings, etc. Let them take decisions regarding unimportant aspects. Create the illusion that they are in control, that their word weighs in the decision process, then reserve the real decisions for yourself.

3. Take some time and ask them about any difficulty in completing their task. Pretend to collaborate with them instead of
imposing a stiff dead-line with little communication. Then delegate and supervise.

4. Buy respect and appreciation by rewarding your employees with small things for their accomplishments: food, beer, small appliances, gadgets, things that wouldn't drain your budget, yet will make them feel appreciated. 

5. Build confidence by faking respect, competency and integrity, even when you have no idea how to accomplish a certain task you've just delegated. Learn a few things using any search engine, so that you can relate to the employee. Use few words, mostly encouragements. Again, fake interest. Ask them if they need help. If so, delegate again. 

6. Make it personal. Any average employee knows at some level that they are there to make money for the company, while they receive a small part of their contribution (their income). In case you present your company as a machinery functioning on rules, regulations and failure punishment, you might give the employee to start wondering what's beyond those 8-12 hours of hard, de-moralizing work. Humanize the job experience. Make people feel part of a group, even if in the end it's all about meeting KPIs and maximizing company profit. 

7. How to control employees in 10 steps - step 7 - Come up with unplanned short breaks and let them enjoy them without your presence, while monitoring their conversation topics, when possible. When possible, use a mole.

8. Don't micro-manage visibly. Give your team the illusion that they work independently, while you secretly but closely follow their progress (using surveillance techniques or other means of obtaining information).

9. Build yourself an image of responsibility and accountability regarding the team's progress or failures, but be prepared to quickly find a scapegoat in case things go south. Then, create the impression that you went out of your way to help your him/her. Be prepared for damage control at all times.

10. Delegate as much as you can to team leaders, shorten those boring meetings and ask your employees to translate the pile of Excel files and reports into human language.  

Control your employees by acting aloof and inducing the sense of freedom at work and the result may become quite satisfactory. Employees are no more than a human herd. They need to be controlled, steered and handled at all times, of course, without being aware that they're being manipulated. In order to bring out the best in any human being, make them feel special and keep them under your control. 'How to control employees in 10 easy steps' might not be nice or respectful, but it may prove useful at some point.