Journey |
from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:
Trigger. Yesterday, in therapy session, I managed to
regress towards the point that changed my life one hundred and eighty degrees.
Ground zero. When I tried to end it and where I managed to start something else
instead. Near death. Life.
Up until now,
I was reluctant to even try to remember the day before I took that final step,
some sort of anxiety combined with the feeling that I have lost something I
will never have again, something very dear and valuable; lately, after
disabling all the firewalls I put up in order to able to cope with the
environment, it started to feel as if it never really happened to me, so I
could try and open up about conditions and other issues that drove me to that
point.
After waking up on the hospital bed, I could not remember
anything. I remember things prior to my
falling into nothingness, such as filling up the tub with water and carefully slicing my right wrist with a straight razor I found at a flea market. I thought it was stylish and weird. Had it been an old rusty or dirty, greasy sharp cutting tool I would have passed for a nice shiny one. Why? I have no idea.
falling into nothingness, such as filling up the tub with water and carefully slicing my right wrist with a straight razor I found at a flea market. I thought it was stylish and weird. Had it been an old rusty or dirty, greasy sharp cutting tool I would have passed for a nice shiny one. Why? I have no idea.
After slowly splicing my blood vessel under water with
slow motions, starting from the wrist and carrying on to the back of my
forearm, just like I read in some journal about different ways of taking one's own
life. The fact that I didn’t use a firearm speaks for my secret hope that I would
be found and revived, but I decided to leave that to fate.
The day I have taken to decision to end my life was the
most beautiful day I have had up until then. Once I knew exactly what and how I
would do, I felt a pure sense of liberation from all that connected me to this
earth. It was as if I was able to look at me and the world and myself from the
outside and see it for what it was. All anxiety was gone, my pain alleviated
and I was completely free from anything and everything. There was no ‘must’, no
‘fear’ , no ‘pain’, there was only me enjoying my pure freedom. It was the best
give I could ever give and receive at the same time. That moment of pure
liberation was pure bliss and I knew that it wouldn’t last and it was
conditioned by my ending it all.
Now, all that’s left is pure disappointment. I know for
sure I would never experience that again unless I decided to take that step
again; however, I decided I would try to replicate it in any way I can. I had
tried before, unconsciously), but that was something else,
I mean the conscious motivation was different. Now, there’s a new approach to
life, I think I’ll call it the life of a living dead, because I still need a compelling
need to escape my pain, only this time, the pain is different and so am I: the grotesque,
common human being trying to find to ultimate act of freedom, besides killing
or suicide, another cliché in an ocean of clichés.
"N'aie crainte, à présent
tout est fini
Brise les chaînes de tes peurs mortelles
Pour à jamais en être libéré
Et retrouver la quiétude passée."
Brise les chaînes de tes peurs mortelles
Pour à jamais en être libéré
Et retrouver la quiétude passée."
Alcest – Souvenirs d’un autre monde
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