The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life - Friday

from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

Before trying to commit suicide, I used to be scared shitless for most of the time. Scared of what I am tempted and inclined to do, scared about what I might have lost, scared of what I had or owned, scared knowing that I have constructed a pattern that I wouldn't give up, scared of hurting all the people in my life, scared of regretting doing so, scared of the ensuing anger and self loathing, scared of this entire repeating vicious circle, scared of myself and scared of what's out there. To top that, the self-loathing found new nourishment everyday and the hating myself became my favourite sport.

I wasn't even depressed, I somehow managed to function as an individual in social life, at work, with family and friends, I never gave out any signs of weird behaviour that would raise eyebrows and incite people to ask my whether I was OK or not. Confusion is the least to try and describe what was going through my mind, except for the fact that I couldn't find a reason for all that. I was agitated and my mind raced needlessly through

all kings of perspectives; living in the future was my favourite thing, while the present life was a complete disappointment. I was afraid to take chances and to live life, literally. Although I had authority issues, I was so scared that someone would find out about them, that I buried those feeling deep inside and became this humble, non-assertive shadow sliding through life's acts trying no to be noticed not to bother anyone.

Now, that I almost passed that threshold, I feel somehow liberated, free to act and think, only the same question remains: to what end? In essence, how am that different now compared to the 'me' beforehand? What do I do with this new perspective? The only change came from within: the world is still adverse, and basically, my concrete living conditions are the same.

Until I tried to cross that line, I felt fear and anger, slave to my emotions. Now, there are still emotions in there, but reason seems to take control.

Before, I was trapped in a world of patterns, no matter if taught or self constructed, but I acted according to those patterns unconsciously. Starting now, I shall try to isolate and de-construct those (not so useful) patterns imposed on me by either family or society and try to live some life of my own. Good plan. What is useful? Why? What floats my boat? What's next?

                                                        "And so I hear my voice again  
                                                          The tale of the bitter man, here I am"

                                                                                             In Flames - Only for the weak

No comments:

Post a Comment