The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life - Tuesday

God's playground

from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

I looked around at people with beliefs: Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans and so on and so forth. They all believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell, and that access to either is granted on grounds of some moral issues, acts if you want. It's not so relevant whether access to either is granted during this life or the other, what is relevant: it always requires some sort of passage ritual, preparation and all, especially the access to Paradise or Nirvana or whatever one may call it.

For me paradise was that day I decided suicide is the key, the answer to all my questions. It was a paradise I didn't know how to access until it was somehow presented to me. Now I realize that I managed to get there myself, on my own, without any help, yet I didn't know what I was doing. It was pure bliss what I felt
that very day, feeling already half separated from everything that's mortal, although I have chosen death as a means to an end. 

For a single day, I have achieved complete freedom: freedom from others and freedom from myself, freedom from social constraints and freedom from inner self-taught behavioral barriers. Free of good and evil, free of any judgment, free too act and free of any consequences,free of all that lives and all that's already perished. There was nothing left, only me and my freedom, and no living soul on this Earth, no higher power would influence anything.

That was paradise, and I lost it to a see of mediocrity, a living hell. I know that that day cannot be replicated in any imaginable way, even if I chose to end my life again. It wouldn't be the same, it would be still hell with a poster hanged on the wall, so I am left here, floating in a volatile universe, deprived of the last of anchor that could have grounded me in some way, tasting the bitter beauty and grotesque of a common life.

                                                                               "Show me your sign
                                                                                Water and wine,
                                                                                 I need you to be
                                                                                More than a voice in me"

                                                                                 Aleah - Water and wine

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