from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:
I used to be a loner since forever. A loner and an
introvert. I had nothing against being a somehow functional member of the
society and, surprisingly, I was part of various groups, sometimes antagonist
groups of people. Sometimes I even had people belonging to different groups get
together on social occasions and then enjoyed to discussions arisen from the
individuals’ discrepancies brought to the surface especially by alcohol. I
could always navigate graciously the meanders of social interaction, but never
felt that I belonged. Not to any group, not a specific place, not to anyone.
Since I was in my teens, I had this recurring dream,
probably like many others: I used walk in a green field or a forest, with no
apparent purpose, simply enjoying the scenery and most of the time I met a
‘her’. We would talk and she would clad me with a feeling of security and she
would speak my language in a soothing tone. She would simply understand and
complete me, and I would be able to share pieces of the real me, let the veils
fall, and grow the intimacy of late night hour chats, heart to heart, soul to
soul. In my dreams, ‘she’ actually never spoke and more importantly, I never
saw ‘her’ face. ‘She’ or ‘her’ are simply attributes I woke up with, maybe
wishful thinking, but I couldn’t tell for sure more about the entity.
To this
day I wonder whether she was my long gone kin or a part of me, grieving, in
denial, wanting to surface and never acknowledged in a conscious way. Be that
as it may, I came to the conclusion that I somehow created it, maybe as some
sort of defense to cover up all the frustrations and disappointments of life.
The very first moments after waking up were the most
beautiful torment I ever experienced. Happy and serene, after a meaningful
encounter and despair for lasting for so little time. Since the beginning, I
knew I would never meet a human being barely resembling to that dream entity,
yet it was my dearest treasure, and all mine. I created it and it will be there
for as long as I lived. Bollocks, those dreams are gone and I am left with the
reality. Imagine may anger and pain when all I see around me is…are…well, let’s
just say that relating to people has started to be more difficult by the day.
The gap was widening and I played some role, but that’s already been said by
someone with a lot more insight than me.
Two thunders
High strain
Threaten the mankind
Among two storms
High strain
Threaten the mankind
Among two storms
Rotting Christ - Among two
storms
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