All my life I've been trying to avoid myself: to destroy all that's been implemented by parents, education, society and above all, I tried not to live the life of my parents.
Of course, this is bullshit at some level, since I live in the society. However, the thought of leaving the ME, like a snail can leave an empty shell behind, never disappeared. After I first experienced it during my teens (experienced is correct - it struck me like some sort of a foreign influence), I thought that it came as a natural manifestation of the confusion due to the age.
In time, I've learned to live with it, while continuously feeling inadequate to any environment, family, friends, work. The paradox which followed me along the way is the fact that I managed to get very well into all aspects of this life. Got the social skills, and I can't stand people. Got a good job and I'm pretty good at what I do, and I don't see like I'm doing some thing useful at all. Got friends, and never really felt completely comfortable with them, got girlfriends, but never really knew what a relationship implied.
The deep feeling of inadequacy never left me. It only determined me to try and find a solution that would ultimately get me to fit in. Nothing worked, so far, still I strive every day to be a better human.
I try to get to another level, somehow. Emotions are obsolete. They are no more than recurrent impressions of the past. Somehow I don't feel the joy of joy and the despair inflicted by pain; it's all diluted and senseless as I watch myself from another dimension at times. I wish it were depression, but it isn't, at least not yet. That's what I meant by losing grip.
Sometimes I long for that down to Earth stuff so I prey on others' emotions: this lasts for a little while, of course, but in the end it's like listening to the same old song. The only funny part in this is wondering: what's next? Is this entrapment or freedom?
#currentsituation
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