The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life - A suicide attempt survivor's journal

My path
from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

The worst part when you re-gain consciousness after a suicide attempt is the fact that nothing changed and now you are a complete failure. It's the perfect addition of insult to injury: 'I really sucked at knowing how to live, I sucked at trying to end it'. End. 

In all fairness, something did change. Not that I don't wish to see it all gone, but this time is different. I mean I used to think I was unable to endure it all, so the way out seemed to be the rational thing to do. Now I feel the same, only I wish it all get destroyed, while I witness it quietly.

Suicide attempt survivors need find hope in order to carry on, at least that's what they said in therapy, among other crap. I will carry on (at least for a while) by making sure there is no hope. Existence is futile and meaningless. It's us who believe there's a purpose somewhere, or a higher power, or some afterlife. Since it's called 'belief', anything goes. Once it's well embedded in the brain, we'll try and

justify it rationally. End. New beginning. Vicious circle.

Currently I am only diagnosed with anger issues; apparently these occurred as an effect of trying to blame someone for my mishaps and idiotic choices.

During recovery, I was advised to keep track of my daily activity in order to start being organised try to make a plan for the future. Here's my daily shit (or most of it) pouring into the cesspool called Internet. My diary of an average fucked-up individual.

To start with, my name is A. and I am a thirty something year old guy, who tries to cope.  

                                                                          "I'll kill you and your dreams tonight
                                                                           Begin new life"

                                                                                     Slayer - Bloodline                   

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