The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life - Monday


from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

Another day, another deep regret. Lately, I discovered that I have a lot of time for myself and this is really confusing. Before I tried to end my pain, I never had enough time, or so I thought, doing everything I could to run away from myself and ignore all the darkness growing inside. I used to project the image of a happy, easy going and functional individual: going to work, going out for drinks with co-workers or friends, usually eating dinner at some neighborhood pub or bistro, then driving around the country on weekends, visiting sights and all. Keeping myself busy. Not thinking of
what was wrong, of what was bothering me, what was slowly eating me up. Things were happening really fast, new things, new experiences, I wanted them all and yet I never realized I was trying to fill a void inside me, a continuously growing void of solitude and despair. 

Now, time seems to have expanded somehow. I am lonelier than ever, being too ashamed to contact any of my friends of late. I stopped liaising with my work mates as well. I can not talk to anyone, except for my therapist who enrages me with every therapy session. The worst thing is not being able to talk to my parents. I fucked up big time and I have no idea how I should start to tell them how sorry I am. Actually, people call me to see if I am OK and we have these short and bland conversions which are mostly small talk, my counterparts always trying to avoid the main topic - 'you're not considering doing it again, are you?' - while I try to keep my composure as if nothing ever happened and no one need worry about anything. I hate these lame theatrics, but at this point, I can't ask for things to go my way, I just have to deal with the present and try to work something out, survive, move forward, or...

                                                                                        "My life is like a carnival,
                                                                                         My body a sunken grave."

                                                                                                               My Dying Bride - Bring me victory

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