The Beauty and Grotesque of a Common Life -Thursday

That's me in a corner

from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:

The day after therapy day has such a bad taste, much worse then the hair of the dog next morning after heavy drinking. No, I haven't had a drink, although I craved one, but there's been so many 'one more and I'm heading home' week nights, that I'm sick of going into the office in the morning all shitfaced and trying to make/fake it until noon with useless hydration and a faulty brain's misfiring neurons causing all the ache and nausea, resentment and regret.

I sat there in my office, trying not to interact with anyone, which is hardly possible when there's D. from marketing always on the prowl for the last gossip. He actually tried to have lunch with me only to try and find out why I've been missing from work on such short notice. Prying little bastard, that one. Nobody knows the exact reason, it says 'medical leave' in the paperwork documenting my leave, so not even one mouthy HR person could guess the real reason of my absence.

God, If i could only bring a a huge trained wolf to work and unleash it
on the office premises. I don't want to see anyone dead, my real pleasure would derive from seeing them bitten, their flesh torn from their limbs in thin strips and deep fang holes dripping fresh blood, clawed, terrorized, psychologically scarred for live, living and re-living the nightmarish day over and over; seeing the insecurity in their eyes after surviving such a gruesome encounter would make my day, for a change. I hate them so much.

Instead, here I sit, book in hand (actually fallen off my hand), curled up underneath my blanket, trembling, sweating and fantasizing about causing others pain, while trying to ignore the pain and emptiness that's growing inside me. I'll try focusing on something worthwhile, but it's so difficult. Nothing makes much sense, nothing pulls me towards a purpose and actually this is the worst question starting to erode my resistance: is there really a purpose in life?

                                                                               "Then we'll come down
                                                                                And have a hangover, have a hangover"

                                                                                                  Nirvana - Dumb