from the suicide attempt survivor's journal:
Week-ends used to be the highlights of every stupid week. It used to be all bout going out, letting of steam, going crazy with the partying, drinking, consuming various uppers and downers, topped up with some raw, irresponsible sex, all this ending in the sweet pizza and laziness filled Sunday when everything felt almost right, preparing me to face a new boring and unrewarding week.
Now everything has changed. I gave it a try last weekend, going out and all, but somehow the night was deprived of all they joy I used to feel. Actually, I started to see through the smoke screen of constant intoxication I've created in order to avoid the gruesome meeting with myself and getting past that was an immense disappointment. Leaving behind the illusion that I was partying like no one else,
that all of that made sense, like some sort of cleansing ritual - a complete reset that I deemed it was everything that was pulling me forward - pushed me back quite a bit. It felt great then, it feels a thousand times worse now. My mind is in shambles now.
There must be a time when we look in the mirror and see our real selves and, for sure, we don't like what we see, because all that is there is an average person with the same hopes and dreams as anyone else on this wretched planet, no better, nor worse, up to the same soul consuming process called living.
I believe this is where it starts (my therapist told me it would eventually come): the introspective phase. My name is A and I am the average guy trying to pull his shit together trying to stay alive while finding a meaning to this misery. Fucking depressing. I ended up spending most of Saturday trying to write something, but I was so scared of this blank page, so it's 'welcome to cliche world' for me, the first day of the rest of my life and all.
In turn, Sunday became this nerve consuming monster which torments regular people with the prospect of the next day at the job they hate. I am one of those people and I now I start to think that maybe a change of career would be a good thing. The thing is that I have no idea what I would really like to do and where to get started. Maybe I'll take one of those self improvement classed and see how others made it. That is, in case I don't decide otherwise.
"I feel my soul go cold
Only the dead are smiling"
At the Gates - Cold
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